Having a domestic

  You said things that I didn’t agree with, but I was unable to articulate my point of view.  I was trying so hard to explain myself that I got louder and louder. 

I was not listening whilst I was shouting; I never really listen because I am blinded; too busy thinking about what I’ll say next, too busy trying to make you understand.  The more you disagree with me, the louder I get.  I try to jump up and tower over you, to make you see.  Why can’t you see?

I was shouting so loud, I made the baby cry; he looked terrified.  He doesn’t understand why I am shouting, he thinks I’m shouting at him and during that moment he is scared of me….  You tell me I’m a bad person for shouting in front of the baby, why are you saying nasty things about me, you’re upsetting me, of course I care about the baby he’s my son..  Stop it, stop saying things I don’t want to hear… If you don’t shut up I’ll…

Look what you made me do...  I’m sorry and I feel bad but it’s not my fault it’s yours…   

You made me do this…

It’s like when you see a tourist talking to a native, the native doesn’t understand so the tourist repeats himself louder and louder.  The volume doesn’t remove the barrier; and in this case the barrier is language.  Rather than investing wasted energy on repeating yourself, you should be thinking of alternative ways to communicate whatever it is you’re trying to say. 

Sadly for some people, in the heat of an argument all intelligence goes out of the window.  Things escalate and they lash out.  They will usually feel terrible about it afterwards and may make promises never to do it again, but if they are not going to sit down and look at ways to stop the emotional escalation then it will almost certainly happen again and again and again.

 Additionally the feelings of regret and guilt can be difficult for some to deal with and they may enter into emotion numbing activities to remove such feelings.  Alcohol, drugs or other self harming behaviours.  Such selfish activities can put a strain on a relationship and cause disagreements.  The disagreements escalate into an argument, the argument escalates into abuse and so the cycle continues… 

How to Keep Arguments Under Control

·         Argue as though the neighbours are able to hear you. No name-calling, no foul language, no raised voices.

·         Actively use your listening skills.

·         Give direct eye contact and do nothing else while your other half is talking. Look riveted. Nod your head, no matter what they are saying.

·         Repeat what the person has said. Use as many of the same words as possible.

·         Sympathise. Let the other person know you understand that they are feeling bad, even if they are blaming you for the problem

·         Ask, "Is there anything more you want to tell me?" Give your partner a chance to discover deeper feelings, and to shift to a calmer, more neutral place.

If you find yourself getting carried away, call a time-out. Stop right there and agree to talk later. Then make a time to sit down and have a real discussion about what is bothering you -- the bigger issues of your life and your marriage and don’t allow your children to be an audience.

·         You choose your behavior; you chose the consequences. You are an adult and you need to take responsibility for your actions. You can't blame your partner for shouting. You need to do something about your feelings. Your family can't take this on. The greatest stress in life is to hold someone else accountable for something they can't control. The only person you control is you.

·         "You've got to name it before you can claim it." If you are stuck in an unsatisfying life, ask yourself what would make you happy? Write out what you want or need.  If you don't know what you want / need how can you expect your partner to know?  If you do manage to write things down; ask your partner to read it, consider it and respond.  Writing is a good way to communicate with someone without shouting.